$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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