i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My penis needs a shock collar
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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