I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
