she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you didnt know i had herpes?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
