nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize