dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
