If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
