you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
