just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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