got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
