i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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