I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
