My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
