I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
