God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
