I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
