would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
