For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
