Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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