i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
