Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
