just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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