I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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