I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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