just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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