Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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