Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
