dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize