I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
