I checked into jail on foursquare
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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