I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I need a beard to bite.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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