Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Randomize
