hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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