Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
