I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize