You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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