just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
