i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
