The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
