Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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