I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
