Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize