my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
