I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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