I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Who wears a wallet chain?!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
