Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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