The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
