I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
