Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
