i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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