I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
