If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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