so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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