sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
