I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
