We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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